by Lydia Swartz
SHUT UP! SHUT UP & listen.
I will say it: FUCK. I need to say FUCK. You need it too. Say it with me: FUCK!!!
Hear it. That music is FUCK, motherfucker. I will say it, I WILL say FUCK & FUCKING FUCK & I will say FUCK YOU.
FUCK is more than a verb. Say FUCK. Let it out. PROJECTILE fuck. Fuck IS a hiss like a hungry snake. FUCK is a fucking FRICATIVE PARTY in your MOUTH. FUCK YEAH.
FUCKERS, you need this FUCK for those times. You KNOW. Don’t say you don’t. Work it. WORK your FUCK when you need to (LIKE NOW).
Do your due diligence. Learn how to use FUCK. Learn responsible FUCK ownership. Keep FUCK clean & store it safely. DO NOT use it up. DO NOT dilute it. Savor your FUCK. Respect FUCK. Keep FUCK safe.
Know your parts of FUCKING SPEECH. FUCK is the verb for transitive verbal warfare.
Example: FUCK YOU, dude texting at the wheel of an Escalade. FUCK YOU, get out of my FUCKING LANE.
Or, FUCK the sadist who designed this so-CALLED “accessible” building. Or FUCK cancer & FUCK BP Oil & FUCK censorship. FUCK the Tea Party. FUCK abstinence & FUCK bindweed & FUCK Flesch-Kincaid & FUCK gender & FUCK anti-terrorist bullshit & FUCK “The L Word” & FUCK the IRS & FUCK migraines & FUCK people who get up in my face about saying one FUCKING syllable, FUCK.
If you must, you may use the old-fashioned FUCK, the FUCK of yore, the proper FUCK, the FUCK with touching, the FUCK when you DO IT, the all-night, dictionary FUCK, the FUCK that never took the trouble to EVOLVE. The FUCK where you actually FUCK. Why not?
Face it, FUCKERS: There is no FUCKING sentence that cannot be made more FUCKING fun to say by its FUCKING presence.
O son of noble family, FUCK is the FUCKING SCION of the “very” & “just” & “like” & everything else you FUCKERS hardly FUCKING know you have learned to FUCKING say when there aren’t enough FUCKING beats to maintain the schema. It FUCKING proves you are a poet. It proves that everyone FUCKING IS.
FUCK tastes good on your tongue. FUCK makes you FAT WITH PLEASURE. FUCK is never aloof. FUCK does not trash talk behind your back. FUCK will tell you who else your lovething is FUCKING.
FUCK is music. It breaks down the harsh dark wall. DO YOU HEAR THE FUCKING LIGHT? FUCK will heat EVEN YOUR horripilating flesh.
Say YES to FUCK.
FUCK is only a word, but it might be THE word that shows what you ARE. FUCK is power if you give it power, or it’s comical, silky, friendly, mischievous, honest, pregnant, red & black. FUCK moves in next door & stays up late. FUCK is a friend who is always doing something interesting. FUCK is a map if you dare to follow it.
For some of you grown-up, buzzkill FUCKERS, this will still not be enough. I got something for you. I have DOCUMENTATION.
If you still do not FUCKING get it, if you still do not get that this word, the word FUCK makes the English language possible, I refer you to a book by a Mr. Strunk & a Mr. White. I will FUCKING SHOW YOU.
Here it is, from the bible of FUCKING English usage, The FUCKING Elements of Style:
# 17 Omit FUCKING needless words.
Vigorous writing is FUCKING concise. A sentence should contain no FUCKING unnecessary words, a FUCKING paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same FUCKING reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a FUCKING machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the FUCKING writer make all his sentences short, or that he FUCKING avoid all FUCKING detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word FUCKING TELL.
Many FUCKING expressions in common use FUCKING violate this principle. They are FUCKED UP.
I FUCKING rest my case.
Except to say: If you have a problem with my FUCKING language, you should take it up with the entire English-speaking world for the past 2,000 years. Also, with the greatest respect & love, & I mean this in a way you cannot be unaware of by now. FUCKING FUCK YOU.
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